User basics: Female, 21, Aquarius, Atheist, doesn’t want kids, has cats, strict vegetarian, British, looking for new friends (seriously!)
First impression: What is a friend? Someone whose shoulder you cry on when your mother steals your jelly beans? Someone who borrows your front-clasping bra and never gives it back? Someone who sleeps with your brother and doesn’t tell you until it’s too late? Whatever your idea of a friend is, our subject today would certainly fit the bill to some extent (unless you’re particularly conservative, or averse to people with glasses). She also requested this profile analysis, so she’s in dire need of some attention, and that’s just what we’re going to give her (once we decipher all the British in her profile).
“The only ones for me are the mad ones”: (My self-summary) “I once saw Barry Chuckle* in Tesco.** I’m still desperate to go on Fun House.*** I deeply enjoy sequins and flowers. // I like to get lost and talk mad spindling nonsense and sit on street corners and eat sweets and take stupid pictures and play exquisite corpse and drink beer and sing Craig David**** songs and write on things you’re not supposed to write on and have enthusiastic and emotional conversations about biscuits***** and laugh and that sort of thing.”
*Mustachioed British comedian.
**British grocery store chain.
***Messy-as-hell kids gameshow from the 1990s. Almost identical to the US version with the same name.
****British R&B singer with a neatly manicured chinstrap beard.
Analysis: Our subject was clearly born in the wrong era and would have been right at home with Kerouac, Ginsberg, and the rest of the Beats. She likes to mess around, get weird, and navigate time and space. She’s your buddy, your pal, the kind of person who’d let you puke in the back seat of her car and she wouldn’t care (well, okay — maybe a little). And she likes cookies.
Suit up!: (What I’m doing with my life) “Making music, making zines, thinking about how much I love suits.”
Analysis: Look at our subject here, playing by her own rules (just like an Aquarius!). She tells us what she’s thinking about before she’s even asked, which won’t be a one-time thing. And if anyone out there doubts the extent of her eccentricity, her reference to a (deceased?) mode of independent journalism should put said doubts to rest.
Sounds fun. Or gross?: (I’m really good at) “schlomping.”
Analysis: There are two definitions of “schlomping” on Urban Dictionary. One is “a cool relaxed way of chilling.” The other? Decidedly NSFW. Here’s to hoping that our subject is referencing the former definition.
[Ed: A particularly well-informed reader has provided this Ikea advertisement as the source of “schlomping.”]
From the “Smart Ass Files, Volume 246”: (The first things people usually notice about me) “The way that I levitate.”
Analysis: In other words “this question bugs the piss out of me.” Bravo, Aquarius girl.
We are out of mashed potatoes: (Favorite books, movies, shows, music, and food) ”I like mad, inventive sci-fi (Douglas Adams, Rob Grant), existentialist novels (Nausea, Steppenwolf) and cheeky poetry (Please Mrs Butler, Edward Lear). // I love Studio Ghibli (Panda! Go Panda! is the cutest thing I’ve ever seen). Some of my favourite films are Withnail & I, I’m A Cyborg But That’s Okay, The Cube, Local Hero. // I’ve recently become re-obsessed with The Mighty Boosh. Also the live action Sailor Moon series is absolute genius and is on Youtube. Sabrina The Teenage Witch and Lizzie McGuire are old favourites. // As far as music goes I’m all over the place dipping my toes into various genres. My top artists on Last.fm are heavily synthpop inclined though, with a bit of David Bowie and Marc Bolan on the side. My favourite band is Split Enz. // Food is pretty great. The first foods that came to mind were cakes, crumpets, and mashed potatoes. Make of that what you will.”
Analysis: Perhaps most interesting here is the juxtaposition of old soul/young soul media. Our subject is clearly trying to balance her desire to retain the more pleasant aspects of her childhood with her natural inclination towards a more spiritually enlightened and philosophically charged existence. Such a struggle limits one’s ability to engage in meaningful romantic relationships, as the emotional range and volatility, however internalized, makes commitment to any individual all that more difficult. Methinks our subject actually realizes some of this, hence her desire to find friends — and only friends — on a dating site.
Don’t fake the funk: (The six things I could never do without) “Glittered buns, party hats, Howard Moon’s vast range of elbow patches, ink cats, the funk, and cinnamon swirls.”
Analysis: I have no idea what any of those things are.
Ye olde YouTube: (I spend a lot of time thinking about) “how bloody lovely Tony Hart* is. I watch his programmes on the old Youtube if I ever need to be lulled into a state of calm bliss.”
*Sort of, kind of, almost the British version of Bob Ross, only without the afro, and Mr. Hart specializes in drawing rather than painting.
Analysis: While the sentiment here is actually quite beautiful, its sincerity is unclear. Does our subject really think a lot about Mr. Hart’s loveliness? If so, aren’t their more important things she should be thinking about, such as how much would a woodchuck could chuck, or who put the bomp in the bomp bah bomp bah bomp? With so few hours in the day, one must be judicious about one’s choice of thought matter.
As long as you’re not filling yourself with paint: (On a typical Friday night I am) “Filled with wine or painting. Sometimes both.”
…until I found out he had the clap: (The most private thing I’m willing to admit) “I used to fancy Dick from Dick ‘n’ Dom.”
Analysis: Having a crush on a guy who looks somewhat like Steve from Blue’s Clues hardly qualifies as something worth hiding. Interestingly enough, many women on OKC admit having remarkably innocuous celebrity interests as their most private things, and such admissions are total cop-outs. Either don’t answer the question, or give us something good. Nobody cares if you want to bone Bob Saget — we all do. Double points lost here for this secret being past tense.
I prefer unusual anecdotes: (You should message me if) “you want to swap mundane anecdotes or wander the streets with cheap booze. I know this is a dating site but I’m trying to use it to make friends because friends are nice.”
Analysis: A completely sincere answer that requires no decoding.
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Final thoughts: Some people are not ready to dive into romantic entanglements. Most of those people don’t realize it, and the relationships that result are tumultuous and chaotic (not that there’s anything wrong with that). Occasionally, however, people know themselves well enough that they join a dating website with the sole intention of finding people with whom they can hang out, wander the streets, and get drunk on homemade moonshine. Our subject here is sincere, intelligent, and sentimental — not to mention a little bit out there — and would be a welcome addition to any cutting-edge group, whether it be populated with gutter punks, beats, or artisans.
Holy shit the explanations of what the British things are please me too much.
Sometimes I seduce foreigners just so they will be enchanted by all the British things I can tell them about. Come closer and I’ll tell you what a Barry Chuckle is.